Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
