I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Boobs are out for the taking
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
