dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
