Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Houston, we have a squirter
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
