thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
