is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
