before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
