drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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