Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
