I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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