checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
