I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
