i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
