I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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