my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
