Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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