My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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