Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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