I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
