seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
