He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
