Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
