dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
