My room smells like vodka and shame
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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