You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
