3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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