I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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