Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
