I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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