You really coming over, don't trick.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
