I'm going to jail i love you
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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