I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
