I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
