Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize