I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
