last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
