Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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