i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
