Need sex. Gaining weight.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
