I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We need a shit load of segways right now
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize