we have pet lesbian snakes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
