i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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