I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There r osticjed everywhere
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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