Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize