i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
