Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
