I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
