Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
