I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
