dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
