I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
