My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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