i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
