at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
