its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
