dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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